Weekly Review #2: The royal family is royally f***ed, Biden goes on tour
Nothing like a good ol’ juicy royal drama to spice up the week…
I want to start this week’s review by talking about the Royal Family, a clan so dysfunctional that they make the Kardashians look like the Ingalls family.
On Sunday last week, both Meghan Markle and Prince Harry sat down with Oprah for a revealing, tell-all 2-hour interview. Harry looked at every awkward boyfriend whining about being embarrassed by their families and said “Hold my pint of lager”.
In the interview, Meghan talked about how she was bullied by both the Royal Family and the British Media. It even got to the point where she considered taking her own life. When she brought this up to HR (yes, apparently Buckingham Palace has an HR department) they said they couldn’t help because she “wasn’t a part of the staff”. All of this while she was pregnant with the couple’s first child Archie, with whom some of the royals also had an issue.
Meghan was told that the baby wouldn’t receive a title, therefore would not receive any protection from the royal bodyguards. That was not all, as Meghan said one member of the family raised concerns about “how dark Archie’s skin would be”, creating a new Oprah reaction meme in the process…
Meghan didn’t call out the family member by name but, goddammit, we all know it was Prince Philip. That man oozes racist grandpa vibes.
Finding out he was the one who said it would be like finding out Richard Gere did get a gerbil up his ass. Would I be disappointed? Yes. Would I be at all surprised by it? Absolutely not.
Although, it would be ironic for Philip to talk about the baby’s appearance, given he looks like a walking corpse…
Racism within the royal family is not a recent issue. The British monarchy has an ugly history of colonialism in African and Asian countries, enabled the British slave trade back in the 1500s, and endured centuries of inbreeding to keep a more “pure” and “privileged” lineage.
Yes, the British royal family has more inbreeding going on than a trailer park in rural Alabama.
But, of course, they’d rather focus on an unborn child’s skin color instead of focusing on silly issues like inbreeding, or colonialism. Or rampant nepotism. Or, say, Prince Andrew taking some casual trips to Jeffrey Epstein’s island…
If you think about it, marrying into the British monarchy is a little bit like being invited to Epstein’s island. It sounds fun, but once you set foot on it you realize you’ve made a horrible mistake.
Unbelievably, some people set out to defend the crown and slander Meghan and Harry. One of these people was right-wing political commentator, debate-lord, and ventriloquist dummy turned “real boy” Ben Shapiro.
Ben, supposedly a “man of the people” who speaks against the “elites” and “secret cabals” in power, is now defending literal royalty. First, he tweeted this:
As I’ve mentioned earlier, the British monarchy is (and has always been) a vile repository of bigotry. This is not hearsay, this is not something we’ve heard through the grapevine, this is something that’s been well-documented over the years.
Also, the “spoiled grandson” quite literally devoted his life to Britain, as he was deployed on active duty in Afghanistan, while the closest Ben Shapiro’s been to battle is when his wife ties him up to a chair and forces him to watch her roleplay sexy war nurse with another man.
He also called the interview a whine-fest on his Daily Wire segment and said that marrying into the royal family was a “career move” for Meghan, implying that she just married Harry to build a brand. “Yeah, I’m sure it was all pure love.”, he scoffed.
He just feels sorry that everyone can’t be in a loving, sexless marriage like he is.
Another guy who came in defense of the royal family was “Good Morning Britain” host, serial grifter, and one of the world’s most punchable faces: Piers Morgan.
He undermined Meghan’s struggles with mental health and suicidal ideation, saying that he “didn’t believe a word of it”. He also asked his panel “Is it racist and offensive to as what color might that baby be?” YES, PIERS, IT IS RACIST AND OFFENSIVE.
Would it be offensive if I called you a talentless, triple-chinned Colin Firth look-alike with an underbite? I mean, I’m just asking…
Turns out there’s a reason for Piers’ angry rants about Meghan. They once went out, but she ghosted him once she met Harry. When one of his co-anchors reminded him of this and criticized him on the air, Piers decided to storm off the set. Hours later, it was announced that he would leave the show.
Naturally, the Insane Klan Posse at Fox News tried to pin this on cancel- culture. They ran a segment with the headline “Is cancel-culture crossing the pond?”.
No. It is not.
Piers Morgan didn’t get “canceled”, he literally quit his own show because he couldn’t stand being called out on his own bullshit. He’s not a victim. He’s an entitled, narcissistic, pouty man-child.
“I’m going home and I’m taking the ball with me! You guys are being mean to me! Also, Meghan Markle is a stinky poopyhead and she has cooties!”
Speaking of cancel culture, conservative media has decided to redirect their focus from scrutinizing Joe Biden’s presidency, and his efforts towards Covid relief. Instead, they’re focusing on culture wars.
Said a GOP operative: “There’s just not the antipathy to Biden like there was Obama. He just doesn’t drive conservative outrage”. I’m gonna let you take a wild guess as to why that is…
“Merchandise stands outside Trump’s rallies featured buttons and shirts mocking Clinton and Obama, but few bashing Biden.”
Again, any guesses…?
Listen, issues of race and misogyny aside, there’s another clear reason as to why conservatives can’t dump on Joe Biden. And that’s because (besides some grievances I aired on last week’s Review) President Biden is (objectively) doing a pretty good job, while his handling of the pandemic has been remarkable. Covid has posted one of its slowest spreads in a year, and Biden’s administration has already over-achieved in its goal of “100 million shots in 100 days”, vaccinating almost 110 million people in just-a-bit-over 50 days, and there will be enough vaccine doses for every adult in America by May. Biden’s said of all this:
“Call me the Pizza Man, Jack! Cause I’ve delivered on all of my promises! You know, this is not a coincidence, Jack. I used to be a pizza delivery-boy back in Scranton, Jack. I would deliver pizza by night and spend my money at the malt store by day. A milkshake would cost 15 cents back then. Those were the days, Jack!”
The President has also launched his “Help is Here” tour to promote the recently signed stimulus package and to encourage vaccination. This tour should not be confused with the previous administration’s tour “HELP, HE IS HERE!”…
One guy who would have definitely been a part of that tour is former baseball star, Johnny Damon. Damon was arrested for DUI last month, recently surfaced bodycam video shows him and his wife resisting arrest, while Damon tells the officer that he is “Blue Lives Matter” and that he is “he’s being targeted because he’s a Trump supporter”.
As a Red Sox fan and somebody who loved Johnny Damon as a player, I’m disappointed. But who knew that he could spray conspiracy theories just like he used to spray base hits.
I want to talk about one more thing regarding Former President Cheeto before I finish this Review. As everyone saw the US approaching the “100 million shots” mark, and as every living president except for Donald Trump encouraged vaccination in a fantastic ad, his office came out with this statement:
This is a fucking hissy-fit. This is some of the pettiest shit I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen recently-dumped ex-boyfriends sending texts less grudging than this.
He is literally using his office as his personal Twitter account. And you just know nobody helped him write this shit. Not even the writers at SNL could come up with something as comically dumb as this. He’s become a living caricature of himself.
Donald, you called Covid “a hoax”. You ignored expert warnings and lied to people. You advised people to drink bleach. Pfizer was never part of “Operation Warp Speed”, got no help from the US government, and when they offered to sell you 100 million more vaccines, you refused. You secretly got the vaccine and then declined to encourage vaccination.
Thanks to your mishandling of what you insist on calling the “China Virus” (nobody calls it that except for you and your sycophants), the American economy collapsed, thousands upon thousands of small businesses closed, and poverty and unemployment reached all-time highs.
Thanks to your pettiness and your unwillingness to accept defeat, the Biden administration received no vaccination rollout plan, delaying the inoculation of millions.
Thanks to your incompetence and neglect, over 500.000 thousand Americans are now dead.
Oh, people will remember, Donald…
See you all next week.
